So today is the day before Jay's wedding. I'm surprised that my feelings are so free of ambivalence or awkwardness. Guess that's one of the benefits of time, lots and lots of time. Seven and a half years to be exact. And so, in honor of him and everything I can still remember - I'm listening to Victorialand by the Cocteau Twins right now. (Unfortunately, David's playing Frank Black or something similarly loud & anti-Cocteau at the same time.)


A couple weekends ago, as I was going through my old boxes of memorabilia, I decided to flip through the leather photo album he bought in Latvia and filled up with pictures of us. I also read some of the letters he wrote me while were were still in school together, as well as from the following summer. You know, I'd love to read my own letters to him, given how much I enjoyed poring over the ones I'd written to Susan during Freshman & Sophomore years.

But anyway, those letters from him had none of the fascination and deep meaning that they used to. Skimming through them, though, I had no problem recalling the way they used to hold me in such thrall, and how I loved to read and reread the ones from when we first met and got together, to flood my mind again with memories of what I had been feeling at the time. To relive that short phase of not eating and not caring at all about food, or sleep, or anything except seeing him & talking to him - what a high I got from that.

But so soon I remember how it got all mixed up with sadness -- and this very CD, although initially something that filled me with joy to hear, eventually became a reminder of the bitterness and loneliness I felt as we were growing apart, and how my uncontrollable insecurities and paranoia only served to inflame his faults and weakness for other women's attentions. As I recall, I was unable to listen to this CD for about 4 years after we broke up. How could I let him take my darling Twins from me?

So here's to letting go -- and hanging on.

1. What time is it?
12:42pm

2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate:
Mary Elizabeth Phillips (born to be a nun or saint)

3. Nicknames:
Marise, (pronounced "muh-reese"), RiseyP (pronounced "reesey pee"), Mise
(pronounced "Meece") -- and yes, some people call me Maurice!

4. Parent's names:
Rex Cyrus Phillips and Mary Catherine O'Neill Phillips

5. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake?
29 + 3

6. Date that you regularly blow them out?
July 8

7. Pets:
One cat, Kismet -- and two pugs, Opus & Ike

8. Height:
67.5 inches

9. Eye color:
blue

10. Hair color:
multi, brown & blond

11. Piercing:
two on each ear, one on each navel

12. Tattoos:
maybe someday

13. How much do you love your job:
hard to come back after a vacation, but not terribly so

14. Birthplace:
LA, CA

15. Hometown:
Yorba Linda, CA - home of Tricky Dick's birthplace/library

16. Current Residence:
San Rafael, CA

18. Been in love?
oui

19. Been to Africa?
non

20. Been toilet-papering?
oui

21. Loved somebody so much it made you cry?
certainly, in the traditional way... but also whenever I see someone I love
doing really well at something difficult - like my friend Lisa at her dance
recital - I cry at that kinda stuff too. My kids are going to squeeze ALL
the tears outta me!

22. Been in a car accident?
yes, never serious tho -- and also in ones involving my car and stationary,
non-sentient objects ;-)

23. Croutons or Bacon Bits:
crewwwwtons, especially Chatham Village & homemade

24. 2 doors or 4 (on a car):
2 doors look better, but sad to say, i'm getting to that age where no less
than 4 will do.

25. Sprite or 7 Up:
7-up, i guess. but i prefer flavored sparkling water

26. Favorite Movie:
In a pinch, I'd say Shawshank Redemption

27. Favorite Holiday:
T-giving, love to cook & eat

28. Favorite Day of the week:
Thursday, love to go out at night & do Friday/Saturday type things.

29. Favorite Word or phrase:
Ogunquit (a nice beach town in Maine)

30. Favorite Toothpaste:
Tom's of Maine (hey, we got a theme going on...)

31. Favorite Restaurant:
Lark Creek Inn, Larkspur, CA

32. Favorite Flowers:
sterling roses (the small, fragrant lavender ones)

33. Favorite drink:
Cabernet Franc

34. Favorite Sport to watch:
gymnastics (floor exercise)

35. Preferred Type of Ice:
crushed

36. Favorite Sesame Street Character:
Big Bird

37. Disney/Warner bros:
Warner Brothers, but only because they license PowerPuff Girls merchandise

38. Favorite Fast Food Restaurant:
In-N-Out

39. When was your last hospital visit?
a couple months ago, when I took Matt in for his broken toe

40. What color is your bedroom's carpet?
pale silvery green

41. How many times did you fail your Permit and/or Drivers License Test?
once - very humiliating

42. Who is the last person you got mail from before you got this e-mail?
Maureen

43. Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
nope - i only commit victimless crimes anyway ;-)

44. Which single store would you choose to max out your credit card?
prolly Nordy's - boring, but it's the best place to get the full range of
stuff I like

45. What do you do most often when you are bored?
answer e-mail questionnaires

46. Name the person that you are friends with that lives the farthest
away:
I tend to lose touch with people when they move too far away; guess my best
job at keeping in touch with someone out of state would be Nancy, who lives
in River Forest, IL.

47. Most annoying thing?
guilt trips & other nefarious forms of passive/aggressive manipulation

48. Bedtime:
10-11pm

49. Who will respond to this the fastest?
no idea; i recently sent something like this to a bunch of people & only one
responded!!

50. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond?
everyone ;-)