So Amber was cool. Nice place, comfy couches to sit on, unpretentious bartenders and strong martinis. We had two of those, which I paid for with my trusty plastic friend, since I am utterly cashless until I get my next paycheck. The bar was fucking freezing, though, and my first pass at her consisted of insisting she wear my leather jacket.

Other passes I made:
- Buying us three rounds of drinks up at the bar and bringing them back to her while she shivered cutely (she's very skinny, you see)
- Chatting up the nice gay boys who were sitting nearby, after she told me what a fag hag she is
- Holding her hand as we walked up the stairs to the disco on the 2nd floor of The Cafe, nice gay boys in tow
- Putting the scarf from Nice Gay Boy #1 around her neck
- Putting my arms around her waist while we leaned on the deck, looking out at the relatively empty intersection of Market and Castro


Passes she made:
- Giving me as many cigarettes as I wanted, and lighting one for me
- Holding my hand back
- Leaning in close as we looked out over the Castro
- Offering me half a vicodin as we drove back to the Richmond
- Driving me to her place instead of to mine
- Making me my favorite drink, an absolut mandrin & tonic
- Getting me high
- Laying next to me on her couch
- Taking off her blouse
- Taking off mine

I get to Ro-Han a couple minutes before 8:00, and something interesting's going on inside. Some photo shoot with cute girls wearing very little in the way of clothing. Something to which the general public was not invited. Uh oh... Fortunately, C came in right after me and was standing quietly behind me while I was talking to the owner, this guy whose name I can't remember, but with whom I've struck up conversations the past three times I've been in. I think he remembered me, but you can never be sure with those restaurateurs.

Ok.... so fuck this blow by blow shit. We met, something behind our eyes clicked, and we knew we'd end up having a fun night together. She'd nailed rock star parking right out in front, and we walked up to her late 70s pimpmobile aptly dubbed "the sexy beast" :-) We agreed to drive around to find another bar, taking her car (prudent, considering I'd taken public transit.) By the time we reached our destination, a lounge called Amber somewhere near Duboce Triangle, I knew the following things about her:

1. She hails from Portland but lived in Austin for a few years.
2. She may be moving back to Portland in a couple months to finish her last year of school.
3. She lives near Baker Beach with her friend from kindergarten, who has a 7-month old baby boy.
4. She smokes cigarettes.
5. She's really really really into astrology and is a scorpio with cancer rising and sag moon.
6. She's been going through "a slutty phase" and has slept with 2 or 3 guys from nerve recently, but realized that she'd really rather be meeting more women.
7. She likes vicodin. a lot. (she took half a pill while we were driving.)
8. Her roommate and roommate's baby are out of town, so she has her apartment all to herself.
9. She has to be at work by 8 in the morning.

She learned the following about me:
1. I was married for three years and with my ex for a total of seven.
2. Although I'm living in the Richmond now, I'll be moving to Dolores Heights next month.
3. I also smoke cigarettes from time to time, and know of bars in the lower Haight where smoking is still allowed.
4. I *used to* really really really be into astrology, and I've always been wary of Scorpios. To the point of never having dated any, or even having any friends who are Scorpios. Nevertheless, from what I recall, I'm a cancer with sag rising and capricorn moon.
5. I've been "on an adventure" lately, and she's the first person I've met from nerve. And the first girl I have ever met for a date.
6. I like e. A lot. But haven't had it since last new year's and don't intend to fall off the wagon anytime soon.
7. I work from home on Tuesdays and can, therefore, stay out late on Monday nights.

One of my life's loveliest "walks of shame" happened today. Typically, my morning visits to Baker Beach involve gray tights and running shoes, but today's walk started at C's place in the Presidio, past the beach and up the hill, back home to my room with the partial Presidio view. And involved ouchy but cute high-heeled shoes and my clothes from yesterday, slightly rumpled and amusingly dotted with fluff from the night's activities. However, catching glimpses of myself in parked cars' passenger windows, I was amazed to note that I looked quite fetching and not too terribly obvious. Just a girl on her way to work... Yeah, right. It's Tuesday and I get to "work" from home. Such a happy synchronicity, then, that C was up for meeting me last night. No notice needed -- how spontaneous and perfect!

So here's how it started... I worked up the nerve to call her as soon as I left work yesterday and, fortunately, talking to her for the first time was surprisingly easy and natural. Even cuter and more oblique than shopping for sex toys or smoke supplies! And despite my gaffe -- mentioning my impending move from Marin and the reasons behind it -- C recovered from the news without much fuss, and promised to call me back after she'd eaten something and relaxed at home for a bit. Of course I couldn't resist calling Jason to share my good news :-) Oh, the delight of instantly gratifying one's urge to inform.

True to her word, C phoned me at 6:45 and we arranged to meet at Ro-Han at 8pm. (An ironic but convenient meeting place, despite the fact we live less than half a mile apart.) Knowing I might end up getting very very drunk, I decided to take the bus and walked down to Geary with nothing but my wallet, cellphone and keys in my jacket pockets. Approaching the bus stop on 20th Avenue, my heel got caught by a crack in the sidewalk, and I hit the ground in a ball, thinking "Fuck, I hope these pants don't rip!" They didn't, I noted as a sweet girl in her 20s who was walking right behind me gasped and rushed to my aid. I laughed and said "No big deal, I'm fine! No harm done..." And internally I smiled, knowing this fall was simply a matter of releasing my pent-up, in-born klutziness -- and what better time and place to do that than here and now?

meeting mitten tomorrow. i'm getting pretty nervous, have no idea what to wear and, admittedly, am a bit worried about getting rejected in front of j. that would be even more humiliating than all those new VGs I'm forced to play in front of him for the first time while he skins up! hehehehe...

however (and here's the semi-silver lining), i've learned that they get 40-60 model applications a day (not just mitten, but SG in aggregate) and accept maybe 5% or fewer. so i ask myself, why not look at this as "wow, i got this far without even having any tattoos, being 10 yrs older than most of the girls, and only being into all this kind of soft-core shit for... i dunno... 2 weeks?!?!?!" hehehehhee indeed.

ahhh... my life. all about putting myself in positions where i must rely heavily on my reserves of self-acceptance, courage, audacity and honesty. quite a ride. but i'm hanging on!

sorry for the lag between posts (though I don't know who I'm apologizing to)

here's what i did this week...

monday: work as usual; convo with h re: his ex in la (boo); rented VGs at b'buster; 420-age

tuesday: chatted w/j; took cute nakie self portraits, sent em to mitten; great advanced speech at tm, took on new mente; stopped by sr house to see pets & pick up stuff; talked to mitten on phone re: meeting chez elle on sunday

wednesday: work, date w/j - jazz cigs, dinner at blue plate (highlight was mascarpone cheesecake with pomegranate sauce), sex, drugs & VG, trolling for bi chix (esp miaokitty - yum!) on nerve.com - another mindblowing evening of hedonism

thursday: tired and headachy all day at work; 420-age at home w/s; drinx and snax @ Ro-Han; kiss goodnite; heard back from jory, a cute boy from SG

today: busy & semi-productive day; found out I'm getting a new boss (in Ithaca, NY - yee ha!) and a real design team; lotsa chats w/j; Die Another Day tonite with Alex, Marie & other discreet folx


and on tap for this weekend...

tomorrow: voice lesson; Medea w/mom @ Zellerbach; Share-bear's bday party @ Pinky's; then bowling (perhaps)

sunday: r/bing w/Ella; meet mitten in Oakland w/j; hedonism afterwards - perhaps some leather shopping for PE

oh, the poems below were written over 7 years ago. mostly inspired by jormungandr -- though the lightbulb one is about Ron, of course.

How funny life is, and how it changes so.

playing with fireworks

disfigured.
i can't
hold you in my hand
just a moment
d o n ' t
backfire
explode in my face
if only there were time
if only i could learn i would
let go more quickly


pick you up
gone to pieces
try again

blown apart
forced back
ashen eyes
burning wet
forget now it's over
but i can't
not
until next time...


-Moth

Not again.
you've burned for me for some time now
now i rattle you
and i hear the sound
of your flaky innards

i'm through with you
(or did you burn out on me?)



nicer now.
i thank you
for your steady light
for the darkness you held back
i turned you on and off
ever faithful
you shone for me
not once complaining
if i left the room
leaving you lit

leaving you behind
or perhaps not bothering
to turn you on
for weeks at a time
still you were there
waiting for me
burning for me
til you had no lumens left to give.

- Moth

Icarus: the flight to light

an ideal, imagined
from a distance
i see you
a shining light
afire, an angel
lyric hair of ashen silk
sweet lips
that smile!
dimpled, fetching
twin to mine
eyes of intellensity
behind the glass
i see you, them and me reflected
as in your words
digital then analog
a voice so deep
complex in accent
as in feeling

strangled?
tortured?



i know enough to be afraid
yet am drawn in still
how near may i approach
what fires might i ignite
in you
in me
will we be?

-Moth

candles

out, out.
burned at both ends
we lit up again
fooling ourselves

my one and only

then why so many?
some short
some tall
all fall
short of the ideal


your flame lights mine
for a moment in time
two burn as one
but the fire inside burns

higher!
brighter...
hotter.
as the wax melts down
and the silk turns to ash
and the light's but a flash
'til the end


-Moth